HASELDEN: Chuck Norris, you got company

By Mark Haselden
Published: August 20, 2008

Thanks to Michael Phelps, I was reintroduced to an old friend recently, the Summer Olympics.

I might have watched a combined half-hour of the 2004 Athens Games.

I started at the opening ceremonies this year. I didn’t miss any of Phelps’ gold medal winning races and very few of his qualifying races. Because of that, I found myself being sucked into watching other swimming events.

And badminton, archery, tennis, track and field, beach volleyball, non-beach volleyball, basketball, synchronized diving, gymnastics, rowing, cycling, fencing, baseball, softball and weightlifting.

I even watched a minute and three seconds of a soccer game, and anyone who knows me knows what a sacrifice that was.

I still refuse to watch rhythmic gymnastics. I am not convinced it takes any athletic ability to run around, jump into the air and twirl a ribbon.

But the amount of NBC’s Olympics coverage I have watched should itself qualify as an Olympic event. I might even be in contention for the bronze.

You know you’ve got Olympics fever if you find yourself watching the women’s gold medal badminton match between China and one of the Koreas—and it’s compelling.

But these Games have been all about Phelps, and still are, even though he swam his final event Saturday night. He’s still all over TV doing interviews and promoting his sport, soaking up a world full of nothing but love.

News flash: He’s just amazing.

The icon of these Games, as one Olympics official put it.

Phelps doesn’t walk on water; he obliterates it.

Watch out, Chuck Norris. There’s a new American hero on the scene.

You pop culture enthusiasts are well aware of the onslaught of the little known Chuck Norris facts that started appearing all over the Internet a few years ago.

They were funny for the most part. My favorite is still this one: When the boogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris. Or this one: Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

In light of recent events, I think it’s appropriate to take some of those facts and insert Michael Phelps’ name, so here are just a few examples, although the possibilities are wide-ranging.

Hopefully, Chuck Norris will not come and roundhouse kick me into another dimension.

• If you have five dollars and Michael Phelps has five dollars, Michael Phelps has more money than you.
• Michael Phelps is suing MySpace for taking the name of what he calls everything around him.
• When Michael Phelps does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up. He’s pushing the Earth down.
• Michael Phelps can slam a revolving door.
• If tapped, one Michael Phelps butterfly stroke can power Australia for 49 minutes.
• Henceforth, Olympic athletes can win one of three types of medals in any event: bronze, silver and Michael Phelps.
• Michael Phelps can divide by zero.
• Newton’s third law is wrong. Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal to one Michael Phelps butterfly stroke.
• When taking the SAT, write in “Michael Phelps” for every answer. You will score well over 8,000.
• Michael Phelps ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one.
• Michael Phelps once worked as a weatherman. Every night he would make the same forecast: Mostly sunny with a 100 percent chance of gold.
• Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Michael Phelps because “The Sum of All Fears” is the name of Michael Phelps’ autobiography.
• Superman wears Michael Phelps pajamas.
• Michael Phelps can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
• If at first you don’t succeed, you are not Michael Phelps.
• Michael Phelps can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
• Five out of five doctors recommend Michael Phelps as a solution to any problem.
• The term “Michael Phelps” can be used as any part of speech in any language.

Which reminds me. I’ve got to go Michael Phelps my Michael Phelps before it Michael Phelps, something you want to avoid at all costs.

Then, I think there’s some water polo on the tube.

— E-mail Mark Haselden at