Wall of friends blocks winds of despair

Charlie Walker
Morning News
Published: November 6, 2008

On the “Today” show, they say the price of lobster is falling in Maine. A pound of lobster is now the same as a pound of bologna. My bologna may not be equal to the quality of Poston’s Pride Bologna, but I give away more than Junior Poston sells. The Prince of Evergreen sells high-class protein. He is also a Gamecock, which means he has all the sex appeal of earwax. I told Junior I don’t write as well as I used to. Junior said, “I can’t tell no difference, maybe your taste is improving.”

I have discovered I have a wall of friends against the winds of despair. Dorn Smith, Shorty Floyd and Dub McKenzie visited me recently at Sandy Bay. Charlie Dorn’s No. 3 can heal the sick. He can also shovel the stuff that makes roses grow. He can tell enough white lies to frost a wedding cake. Dorn says life is like a roll of toilet paper: the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes. When you have a Smith, a Floyd and a McKenzie in your house, lies will flow like water. You don’t need a life jacket, you need an ark.

Dorn claims Shorty Floyd owes him $2,000 for a physical exam and wants payment. I don’t blame Shorty. A Floyd doesn’t have but two working parts: what they talk with and what they sit on. Shorty told Dorn, “I wish you were a chandelier, so you could hang all day and burn all night.” If Dorn charges a Floyd $2,000 for a physical, I wonder what he would charge Dolly Parton? Shorty won’t pay, so Dorn is going to court to take out a lien on Shorty’s dog, Buster.

Shorty claims Buster can track a doodlebug in six inches of snow. Dorn claims that dog is worth more than Shorty’s pickup. Shorty bought that pickup from Plowden Motor Co. in New Zion back when there was only one Coker in Turbeville, one Floyd in Clarendon Country and a bus ticket from Sardina to Barrineau was only a nickel. Shorty says when Buster trees, his voice is almost as sweet as the Bluebirds of Barrineau.

When Dorn isn’t building new banks, installing pacemakers and racing golf carts, he loves to quail hunt. Nobody has wasted more shells and cut fewer feathers than Dorn. It’s a good thing he can heal the sick. If he only ate what he kills, he could hide behind a doughnut hole.

It’s impossible to tell a Floyd’s age. They are like trees: you cut them down and count the rings. But Shorty Floyd remembers when Davis Thompson sold tobacco curers, when F.E. Dubose had acne and Plowden Motor Co. sold T-Model Fords.

That’s all the news from Floyd Dale, New Zion, Barrineau and the Burnt Branch Road. If you read this column, reader’s discretion is advised. If you have already read it, it’s too late to worry — and you are too blue to cry.

Charlie Walker is a local newspaper columnist. He can be reached at P.O. Box 441, Kingstree, SC 29556.