What it means to have your column on the obituary page

Charlie Walker
Published: August 27, 2008

A letter from Harold King, who lives on Fulton Road in Darlington, raises the question people are asking as far away as several inches. Mr. King asked, “Does your column appear on the obituary page of the Blues out of necessity, or is the Voice of the Pee Dee editorializing?” I can only assume the decision makers in their ivory tower were aware that my column on the sports page would make Gamecocks unhappy. If they put it on the editorial page, intellectuals would be unhappy; put it next to Billy Graham, the preachers would protest; put it on the front page, the Obama supporters would protest it. If placed next to Dear Abby, the feminists would howl bloody murder.

No one has complained about my column being on the obituary page except Mr. King in Darlington, who may be a redneck if he reads my column before he does Garfield.

A well-balanced newspaper is like a well-balanced meal. It must contain all the protein, vitamins and minerals. This column and Gamecock propaganda supply the Morning Blues with vitamins BS. A few (very few) believe my column produces a weekly supply of levity. Those in charge of this journalistic haven on Dargan Street don’t necessarily agree. One member of the editorial staff is alleged to have said that my column is almost as funny as the Democrats winning in November. He was terminated for being anti-liberal. To prove that the Blues is not biased, they also fired a Republican for allegedly saying, “If the Democrats win the White House, cotton picking would become an Olympic sport.”

Mark Laskowski is the publisher of the Morning Blues. With a last name like Laskowski, we can assume he is not from Greeleyville. I enjoyed his columns about his trip to Cuba, especially the one he wrote about Cuban cigars. I’m not in favor of unlimited immigration. I would be in favor of unlimited Cuban cigars crossing the border. If Mr. Laskowsi brought back any of these cigars with him, he hasn’t offered to share any of these 14-carat sticks with the least of his employees — of which I happen to be the least.

The flagship of the Cuban cigars is the Cohiba. The last one I enjoyed was courtesy of Heyward King Jr. at W. Lee Flowers. The man who scored TDs for the Lake City Panthers and the Gamecocks now plays for another winner called IGA.

If you have any Cuban cigars lying around the house, I’ll be happy to take them off your hands for pennies on the dollar.

— Charlie Walker is a local newspaper columnist. He can be reached at P.O. Box 441, Kingstree, SC 29556.