Singing for the Mason jar

Charlie Walker
Published: August 20, 2008

When the history of the Pee Dee is written, who will sing for the Mason jar?

Tobacco and cotton made the fat lady sing, but the Mason jar filled up a lot of pockets and almost as many jails. Without the Mason jar, how would this precious beverage have been transported? Imagine the trunk of a ’46 Ford filled with goldfish bowls, buckets and paper sacks. Chug-a-lugging that good old Mountain Dew from a paper sack may take you to far away places.

But etiquette is still one of our most important products. You don’t wear white shoes after Labor Day, you don’t talk back to your mama, and you don’t sip Tiger sweat from a paper sack. We have festivals for everything from grits to grease. A Mason jar festival would be a fitting climax to the Neck Parade. Lake City and Florence want to sell the devil’s favorite beverage legally on Sunday. Lake City Mayor Lovith Anderson says downtown Lake City has one foot on a banana peel and the other in a graveyard.

Back when Buster McCoy and Clyde King sold tobacco cloth, there wasn’t a single place where you could get a cup of coffee on Sunday in Lake City. But you could buy a half a pint everywhere but the post office or the library. Florence County Council is a powerful body full of good people, but the church has them outnumbered in Florence County. County council is a pussycat, the church is King Kong, but the council’s influence makes Hugo sound like a gentle breeze.

I had rather eat one of Peggy’s biscuits than challenge the church on cigarettes, whiskey and wild, wild women. If alcohol became legal on Sunday, would the Schoolhouse Restaurant offer martinis with its macaroni pie on Sunday? Will M&D Drug Store serve Bloody Marys with their orange pineapple ice cream? Will D.J. Lynch have a happy hour at the barbershop? Will Stewart and Steve Altman at the Carolina Boating Supermarket buy Betty’s dog, Bear, a cocktail dress? Will you be able to get jam-up and jelly tight on Sunday in Pamplico?

Turbeville is a half-mile from Lake City. Turbeville is so dry they baptize you with sand. But with gasoline selling for $3.50 a gallon, I’ve never heard of anyone in Turbeville who perished from thirst. Barrineau will never sell alcohol on Sunday. A baby can’t be born naked at Barrineau on Sunday without a permit. Will Jimmy Epps and Leroy Nettles Sr. offer a salty dog with every divorce?

Our first laws were the Ten Commandments. Since then, we have added a few million laws and filled jails with twice that many people. If the county needs money, put a tax on lottery tickets. But we can’t do that. It would discriminate against the poor. But then, the lottery is nothing but a tax on poor people.

— Charlie Walker is a local newspaper columnist. He can be reached at P.O. Box 441, Kingstree, SC 29556.