Licorice stir-fry cake troubles

Charlie Walker
Published: August 13, 2008

In our last heart-stopping chapter of “As The Bull Flies,” Peggy’s licorice stir-fry cake had been banished to a life of solitude on the third floor of Carolinas Hospital System.

And now, for the rest of the story:

After much prayer and meditation, Dorn Smith and the dreaded Troy Gamble decided to auction off Old Scrap Iron’s cake on the steps of the Florence City-County Complex. Bill Yonce, well-known entrepreneur and doodlebug breeder, served as auctioneer. William gained fame as an auctioneer when he received top dollar for the blue suede shoes found underneath Elvis’ bed down at the end of Lonely Street at Heartbreak Hotel.

Peggy offered to give the cake to Lake City. Then the city without a lake could become Licorice Stir-Fry Cake City, which would be almost as sexy as the group that eats lunch at Prosser’s Café every day. K.G. Rusty Smith had a hissy. He told The Lake City News & Post that naming Lake City after a cake would compromise the city’s dignity. If it weren’t for Floyds, McKenzies and McCutcheons, Lake City would have to import dignity from Camp Branch.

Wal-Mart in Lake City once got a supply of dignity from China but couldn’t sell it. The people in Greeleyville thought it was a birth control device for croutons. I suggested Rusty bronze Peggy’s cake and display it in county council chambers, but Rusty said he would rather have a picture on the wall of the Lizard Man jumping Lynches River with a mule in his mouth.

State Sen. Yancey McGill of Kingstree says the cake was born in Williamsburg County and should be returned as part of our heritage. State Sen. Hugh Leatherman of Florence said once the cake crosses the border, it becomes part of Florence County. Florence County Councilman Ken Ard offered 35 cents for Peggy’s cake. In Pamplico, they claim Ken’s bulldog Ugly will eat anything. Peggy’s cake will be an excellent way of finding out if this is true.

State Rep. Lester Branham of Lake City has shown an interest in the cake. Lester says in Lake City, you can preach your heart out, but the proof is in the pudding. Lester plans to show up in the pulpit of Lake City Baptist Church with that cake instead of preaching hellfire and brimstone. He’s gonna give them a taste! Lester claims this will reduce the devil’s source of recruits in Lake City and the devil will have to start handing out rebates and giving trading stamps.

So Peggy’s cake still is without a home. It would make a wonderful pet. It’s part bloodhound. It could be a hummingbird in a salt shaker. Maybe somewhere in the Pee Dee, someone has a licorice stir-fry cake of the female persuasion, object: matrimony. Can’t you see the pictures in the Sunday Morning Blues? They would tie the knot at the Neck Parade. Then they would sail down Lynches River from Friendfield to Johnsonville, where they would board the redneck express to Greeleyville and live happily ever after.

— Charlie Walker is a local newspaper columnist. He can be reached at P.O. Box 441, Kingstree, SC 29556.