Today is joke day

By Cecil Chandler
Feature Reporter
Published: January 4, 2009

Good morning, everyone, and welcome to Cecil’s World in Print. Today is joke day. I am not kidding, I am going to share some jokes and funny things people are always sending me. What better way to start your week off than with a few good clean jokes?

If you are like me, I can hear a joke and I will forget it the next day. Sometimes I try to tell a joke and mess up the punch line. My wife tells me if I am going to tell a joke and get it right, I should write it down when I hear it. That’s not a bad idea. You do not have to write it down; just tear this Cecil’s World in Print column out of the paper and take it to work.

OK, here we go with a husband joke. A typical husband decided to wash his own sweatshirt, just to show his wife he could do it. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife. “What setting do I use on the washing machine?” “It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on the shirt?” The husband yelled back, “Dallas Cowboys.” (Remember now, these are just jokes.)

I love a good highway patrol joke and here is one I think some of you can relate to: a trooper pulls a car over and asks the driver why he was speeding. The driver says he was a magician and a juggler and he didn’t want to be late for the circus where he was performing. The trooper tells the driver he’s fascinated by juggling, and if he’ll do a little juggling for him, he won’t give him a ticket. The driver says he would love to, but all his equipment was sent ahead and he has nothing to juggle. The trooper, wanting to see some juggling, says, “I have some flares in the trunk. Can you use them?” The driver says, “Sure,” so the trooper lights three flares and hands them to him. While the man’s juggling, a car pulls in behind the patrol car. The driver, who is drunk, gets out of his car and watch the performance. The drunk then opens the rear door of the patrol car and gets in. The trooper goes over to his car, opens the door and asks the drunk, “What are you doing?” The drunk replies, “You might as well take me to jail, ’cause there’s no way I can pass that sobriety test.”

A man takes his wife in to see the doctor. The doctor examines her, then comes out and takes her husband over to the side. The doctor says, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.” Her husband replies, “Me, either, Doc, but she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”

Here’s a joke some of my closest friends can relate to: A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar and orders a double Scotch on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peers inside his shirt pocket, then he orders another double Scotch. After he finishes that drink, he peers in his pocket again. Finally, the bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring you drinks all night long. But you have got to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket each time before you order a drink.” The customer replies, “I’m looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it’s time to go home.”

OK, here is my pick for the best joke of the day. I am sure a lot of us can relate to this. A divorce court judge has just finished reviewing a divorce case. The judge looks up at the husband and says, “I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.” The husband pauses for a moment, then looks up at the judge and said, “That’s very fair, your honor, and every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.” Now, that was funny, because we all know that ain’t goin’ happen.

I hope I have helped some of you start your week off on a lighter note. I’ll see you next week, right here in the Morning News and on the tube.

— Cecil Chandler is a veteran reporter at WBTW News13. His column appears Mondays in the Morning News.